April 1, 2014
Reporting by Arthur Schopenhauer, Jr.
Humans all over the world woke up dazed and confused today after last night's "clue" miracle. Some said the clue came for God, while others said it didn't matter where it came from.
"What the fuck have we been doing?," asked Wanda Fahrenwald of Bloomington, Indiana. "We're fucking up the climate, we're fucking up the oceans, and, God Knows, there are way, way too many of us consuming too much shit we don't need. I mean, they're having trouble finding that missing airplane because there's so much garbage in the oceans. Jesus Fucking Christ!"
Asked where she got this first clue, Fahrenwald said she didn't know, she "just woke up with it."
"It's a new day," said Fahrenwald.
Nobel Prize winning economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, who spent his whole life buying into beliefs like 'growth is good' and 'markets and technology solve all problems', felt especially embarrassed as he mulled things over this morning.
"What was I thinking?," Krugman asked aloud, sipping his coffee with a pained expression on his face.
"I must have been out of my mind. I need to make amends," he continued. "We all do," he said.
On Wall Street, traders became distraught when they thought about the abject greed which drove their past behavior.
"How much money does a person need?" asked hedge fund CEO John Paulson. "I mean, so many people are going without a pot to piss in, and here I am fucking people over all the time to make more money I don't even fucking need. It's totally embarrassing."
"It doesn't matter where the clue came from," said President Obama in some off-the -cuff remarks this morning. "The important thing is that humans got the message before it's too late." Obama will address the startled nation this evening at 8:00 PM EST.
Reactions were the same in every country on Earth. People woke up this morning "feeling funny" and not knowing quite why. As they started their day, it quickly became clear to them that the world they'd created was a very, very fucked up place.
Few people on Earth knew exactly what to do today, but people everywhere were eager to get together and start fixing things. "Billions of food-insecure people, garbage-filled oceans, disappearing top soil, looming fresh water shortages, god damn, there's lots to be done" said Bill Gates, former Microsoft CEO and a billionaire many times over. "Where will we start? Well, OK, we'll figure that out now that we're all on the same page," Gates concluded.