DOTE Forecasting Center
October 25, 2016
The DOTE Forecasting Center announced today that the United States has turned to shit. Dave Cohen, managing director for the Pittsburgh-based think tank, said "well, after long and careful thought, we've concluded that the United States has nowhere to go but downhill."
Asked about people who have long believed that America had turned to shit, Cohen responded "yes, we're aware of those people. You might ask what special thing happened today which made our announcement necessary. Actually, nothing did. We're experiencing the same shit today as we did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and so on. We just thought it time to make it official that America has turned to shit."
"That's what makes this announcement important. As far as we know, nobody else has done that," Cohen added.
Asked what this bodes for the future, Cohen said "The forecast calls for more shit like that we've experienced every day for years now. Although we can't predict the specific shit we will have to endure and the exact form our suffering will take, we can predict with considerable confidence that the type of shit we've had cope with up to now will continue."
"Oh, you know," Cohen explained, "more random gun violence by Americans whose big brains went haywire. Elites screwing us while telling us what to believe. More attempts to convince us that terrorism is the greatest threat to our mythological Way of Life. More unnecessary military "interventions" overseas to keep us distracted. More jobs shipped to Asia and Mexico. More student debt slavery. More police shootings of unarmed black people. A corrupt president who says we're "Stronger Together" but tracks the loyalty of others. I can't mention everything here. It's a long list."
"More abstractly," Cohen added, "there will be more delusional and self-serving elite rationalizing of the status quo. As things get shittier, the more you get that kind of thing by way of compensation. For example, you can expect more propaganda videos like the one accompanying this press release. And more elite dumbing down of Americans to get them to passively accept all this shit."